We’re all talking about division these days. The nation feels divided, communities and families are divided. Growing up as the youngest of four girls, I got pretty good at navigating divisions and one thing that always came up in the “peace process” was getting each party to be able to understand the motivation of the other. It’s one of those things that is simple but not easy. Usually where there is conflict, emotions are running high and when that happens it gets really hard to understand motivation. It can feel like the other person is out to get us, is cruel, and apparently nowadays we just jump right to “is Hitler”? As my sweet Mom used to say, it’s a bit much.
This is when we need to get to the why – WHY is something so important to someone. I do that even with myself. I notice an emotion and if it’s bugging me I try to look a little deeper into why I’m feeling that way. I believe all actions come from love or fear. So if I’m struggling with something, figuring out where the fear is coming from is a great way to start feeling better.
Sometimes you can’t know another person’s personal motivation. All the hot button issues of today play out on such a huge scale that not only do we not know the people on the other side of the issue but now with AI we don’t even know if it’s a person at all. But that doesn’t mean we can’t take a step back and at the very least recognize that most people are motivated by the same things we are. If we take out all the politicians, advertising and reactionaries – most people want to be safe, to keep their families safe, and to be loved. That doesn’t seem to be asking a lot and I think it’s something we can all get behind. The tricky part is that the obstacles to those desires are so vastly different for each of us and not everyone has time enough to even understand where their own fears come from, much less someone else’s.
Fight or Flight mode puts us on the defensive. We feel attacked somehow and just like an animal backed into a corner we are going to assume the thing in front of us means harm so we will lash out with anything we have at our disposal – claws, teeth, hurtful rhetoric – whatever it is we will use it to defend ourselves from the perceived threat. This is natural behavior for sure and yet, in the long run it’s not very helpful, it just prolongs the pain.
Here are a few things I try so that I am responding rather than reacting:
- Ask myself if it’s true – IS the perceived threat truly a threat? A different belief than mine is not really a threat, it’s an opinion. Does this person really want to hurt me or could it be something else is going on?
- Look for the why – “why” is someone reacting this way? What are they afraid of?
- What am I afraid of that is making me feel threatened? Is IT true?
- Humanize my adversary – I try to picture this person at home with a family, a pet, or maybe getting happy news; a promotion, accepted to a college, babies, marriage, all the things that bring joy.
- Once I see that image in my mind it makes it so much easier to let go of the need to control and be right. Now maybe I can understand where they’re coming from, what their obstacles might look like.
- From there I try to find common ground and connect on that level. Sharing a smile or a laugh together helps ease tension and can make discussions more kind and therefore more effective.
- In the end I can learn from and have a discussion with another human being – we may still disagree on some things but we also have things in common; we don’t have to walk away believing the other person to be Hitler, they’re simply a person with their own opinions.
Do you agree? Do you have a different way of diffusing tense moments? Let me know in the comments below.
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