Everyone knows that parenting comes with many challenges (my husband and I like to call them “opportunities to improve our parenting skills”). One particular opportunity my friends and I talk about a lot is how to get our kids to come out of their rooms and hang out with us. Even if you are spoiled with kids who actually like engaging, it feels like most moms wonder if their kids are spending too much time alone, especially now when so many kids are struggling with mental health related issues post-Covid. We all just want our kids to be healthy and happy – now we just need to figure out how we check in with them, get to know them, and give them enough guidance to become healthy, independent humans all while giving them enough space. No biggie.

One thing that has always worked in our house is meeting them where they are. Years ago, a speaker I saw talked about coming alongside your kids instead of coming “at” them. It seems simple, and a case could be made for silly, but I really think it has helped us stay close to our kids and hopefully helps them know for sure we will always be there for them no matter what situation we’re in. They have a soft spot to land.

Parenting is all the wonderful things AND it’s terrifying, right? With all the “shoulding” out there, we can drive ourselves nuts trying to do it “right”. It can feel like our time is short and there’s so much to teach them, so we end up frantically trying to shove information and rules down their throats instead of helping them find their way through. When my kids were little I focused almost completely on behavior. How they behaved in school, with friends, around adults, etc. I got caught up in what the outside world thought of us, which I’m prone to do. Of course I still think it’s important for kids to learn to be kind humans, right? We all want more kind humans in the world don’t we? What I learned is that when I came “alongside” my kids to find out what emotion was behind their behaviors, the bumps in the road smoothed out a bit.

So often small humans have huge emotions without the vocabulary to explain them. Instead of focusing on “what” they did, I try to focus on “why” they did it. Were they having a big feeling that they couldn’t name or felt too scary to say out-loud so they threw their toy at their friend or didn’t hand in the assignment? Side note: The fabulous Dr. Becky puts all of this so well, I really like the way she describes it and her examples are great. Check out her Instagram @drbeckyatgoodinside. Maybe it wasn’t as much of an emotion as a physical feeling – our human checklist: have they had enough food, water, sleep?

Obviously unacceptable behavior needs to be addressed, but I think knowing why they lashed out helps us address it in a more meaningful way. If I understand the emotion behind the act I can guide them into how to deal with that emotion when it comes up again. It’s kind of a two-for deal – we make amends for this behavior and hopefully cut down the number of times we have to do that again in the future. It’s not a perfect science, it does take more time, and it doesn’t always work. But that pretty much sums up a lot of parenting: a good sense of humor is essential and putting in the work generally pays off in the long run.


Another benefit to understanding feelings behind actions is it helps me as a parent get to really know my kids and with any luck, help them really know themselves. A lot of kids, especially teenagers, don’t share a lot with their parents, shrugs and grunts can be their answer to so many questions. We all have bad days, we all lash out and sometimes feel out of control. When I can figure out why I am feeling angry or upset I realize I’m not a bad person, I’m just a person having a bad moment and I have tools to adjust or work through that moment. That’s how I want my kids to feel. And when I find someone who helps me get to that realization, I want to spend a lot time with them. Being that kind of person for my kids helps them feel safe to come out of their rooms and talk and it helps me to feel safe when they choose not to.