I know I’m not alone in sometimes feeling like everyone needs something from me. Sometimes it feels like if you let your guard down for one minute the world will collapse. Maybe someone you love has something big going on and you want so badly to hold their hand through the moment and yet, your kids, partner, family, work need you too.

Maybe work requires every ounce of your mindspace but you still need to go home and take care of your family. And maybe the family can’t seem to understand why you are so exhausted, cranky, sad, etc…

Or maybe you’re a giving, compassionate person who cares so deeply they take care of everyone else, forgetting to set boundaries and take care of yourself. 

Or maybe it’s one of the other infinite scenarios. Whatever version of this is familiar to you – I guarantee it’s stressing someone else out somewhere out there in the world, right this very moment. Unless you are a complete narcissist, you’ve been there.

Even kids have this, especially now. They are told from Kindergarten that they have to start planning their future. They are asked things like, “what college do you like, we must start guiding your education now).  Or, if they make the mistake of showing any interest in a sport or hobby, they are told that they must commit to it and practice every day if they want to make the team or play in the concert, etc.

Add to that media which shows us nothing but people “living their best life” 24/7. It’s enough to make us (well, me I guess) go to our sometimes unhelpful self-soothing methods; food, drugs, sex, even exercise.

Also, most of us have been on the other side of this equation. No one plans to need people, but inevitably we do. And during those times it’s hard to stop and ask if the people you need have the time or head space to help. 

My husband calls this feeling, “knowing (head) but not KNOWING (heart)” – you just can’t see past your own pain, even though logically you know “this too shall pass”.

It’s not a conscious choice, we’re not waking up and thinking, “gee, I feel like crap today, who can I bug about that”? We are just human and that’s why we have people, to help us walk through life.

And YET… when you  care and want to help ease someone else’s load, it can leave you feeling depleted yourself (especially if you are already in self-soothing mood with your own stuff). You may start to take on the same emotions as the person who is struggling. My friend is so good about this – whenever she has something she needs to vent or work through she starts by saying, “ok, put on your emotional armor for this one”!

So, how do we put up that shield while still being there for people we love? How can we still support our people when their energy makes us want to avoid them? It’s hard for anyone and for those of us that are wired to strive to be everything to everyone before thinking about our own well-being, it is near impossible to do it without sinking further into our own rabbit holes. And then we are the ones asking others to put on their shields, and it just spirals down into a big hot mess.

There isn’t a one fits all solution, or if there is I don’t know about it. But that hasn’t stopped me from sharing ideas yet, so let’s get into it! Here are some things that work for me – sometimes. I’m not a therapist (although I have seen a lot of them and love them) so please take everything with a grain of salt from here on out.

• Know Thyself
  • Check in with yourself every once in a while. Notice how you are feeling – is there any tension in your body? If so, what is that from? Can you do anything to feel better or maybe let it go?
    • This is when I find meditation especially helpful.
  • Be honest with yourself about what you are able to handle right now from others and what you just cannot take at the moment.
  • What is on your to-do list? Are there major events or responsibilities that need your attention, things you CANNOT miss? 
  • Have you been getting enough healthy food? Water? Sleep? Fresh air? Where are you depleted?
  • Are things so bad that you think maybe it goes beyond having a rough couple weeks? Are you seeing a pattern pop up that is concerning?
• Heal Thyself
  • Eat the healthy food, drink the water, take a nap, a walk, a yoga session.
  • Be open with your people about your limits in that moment, set boundaries. Even if you aren’t great at it and you really hate doing it – do it. Remember even airlines (and Moira Rose) remind us to put on our own masks first before helping others.
  • Remind yourself that you are a person who deserves to feel well, even if those around you are struggling. Again, it’s really hard to help anyone else if you are on the verge of crying or screaming at any moment.
  • If it’s a pattern or a constant in your life, consider talking to your doctor or a therapist to get their input. 
• Treat Your Neighbor As Thyself
  • Ask them if they have eaten good things, had enough water, slept enough, etc…
  • Have a meal with them, go on a walk together, go to a class together, however you think you can get them to take care of themselves.
  • Sit with them – most often people just need to feel seen and heard. They don’t expect others to fix their problems, or know exactly the right thing to say. They really just need someone to listen, maybe tell them they’re not crazy for having feelings about hard things. Then remind them that they can do hard things.
  • If appropriate, offer a hug. Humans need contact with other humans. Offer it and accept their answer.
  • Remind them that they are precious to you and no matter what, you’ve got their back, just as they have had (or would have) yours if the situation were reversed. 
  • If it’s true, tell them you appreciate them trusting you enough to share this with you. Think about how hard it may be for you to find someone to open up to and be vulnerable with and take it as a compliment they enlisted your help.
  • Share with them any feelings of admiration you have for how they have dealt with the situation so far.
  • Turn the tables and ask them what actions they’ve taken so far that they feel proud of? See if you can shift their focus, even just a little, towards their own strength.
  • Finally, if it seems they aren’t able to see any way out, ask them if they’ve considered talking to a counselor or doctor. Just be prepared if their reaction is less than grateful. You offered the suggestion and it is their choice to take it or leave it.    ****Of course in an emergency you will have to decide what action is necessary on your part and role in their life.

We all have “stuff”, every single one of us. It might look different, but it’s stuff. And it’s wonderful to love your people and help them, just do everything you can to not add their stuff to yours.